Hey, kid, you'll never leave this town.

Huh.
Maybe I don't like my shrink.
She tells me that theres nothing she can do to help get my brain to stop spinning [don't even take this bet], but we'll continue talking because it'll make my mother happy. She wants us to do family counseling and I said no. No. Nope nononono.
Big nono [i'm always late].
bleh.
Bleeeh.

I joined National Body Challenge, but I can't get on to discovery health. Damnfangled computers.

Words

Words (adjectives) that are assumed to be really good (or bad), but arn't really.

Awesome
Awful
Radical
Terrible
Great
........
Shit, I had more.
Oh well.

Resolution

So, a new year, a new number, and the same old shit. Whoopdidoo.

I like the universe, but she messes with my words
I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse.
I know what you're thinking, this probably sounds rehearsed.

Liquids, powders and pills, not quite taken against my will.
The tastes tests of girls, from all over the world
who refuse to accept my excuses.
She put up with so much, of my madness and my self-abuse
She would tend to my wounds and fill me with food when I'd stumble in drunk for breakfast,
She was right to take off before she was consumed

So let's give it up for the New Year
Did this party of two have you slightly confused?
Now that our things are divided
She refuses to speak and I'm driftin' to sleep at the wheel.


I like the universe, but she messes with my words
I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse.

...you're totally right, every action was well rehearsed.

25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GOT A 25 ON MY ACTs!!!!!!!!!!!
Which isn't spectacular, but it's...
well...
Good.
And better [echo through these bones like arsenic]than a few of my friends.
...
...
In a way, i'm dissapointed (well, duh, I wanted a freaking 36! lol) [lets try redefining beautiful], but i'm REALLY happy...

[every pane of glass]

WHOO!. I'm so excited. Not 'cuz i'm particularly happy, but because....
It's over! No more waiting for it.
[forever]

Today was Becky's 17th birthday. I made her a cake and we hung out. It was cool. I'm quite needy.

BYE!

Head Shrinkage

So, my therapist is nice. I guess. I dunno, didn't really get to talk to her because SOMEONE sat and talked about how she felt oh-so-betrayed by me and was sad and felt that I couldn't talk to her for some reason but she's trying oh-so-very hard to make herself open for talking.

Fucking funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

What's also funny is that the therapist lady (same name as me-whudda thunk?) thinks that he didn't do anything wrong, other than I'm widdle.
Haha.
ha.
HAHAHA.
Fuck.
---
Okay, but really.

--Pros--
She's a woman, thank god.
She hasn't asked me if I was raped
Didn't ask if I was molested as a young kid (did ask if I had been hit though.)
Didn't laugh when she wasn't supposed to
Politly giggled at my jokes
Didn't touch me
Thinks my mom is a little wacko.
Is really an honest-to-got therapist. Not some wackolesbonutjobnamedjuiliawhothoughtiwasadrunk. *cough*
Was blunt about things that needed to be put bluntly

--Cons--
Her office smells. lol. but it could have been the person previous to us, since it didn't seem like the odor was being emitted from her.
Her secretary used to work with me and in front of miss secretary, she loudly stated that I needed to go get tested for STDs. Thank you. So Much. GRAWR
She's fairly pretty. Oh well.

Imma geek

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Winter is a killer when the sun goes down

Hello there.
Got a phone.
Now I feel awful [since early 1995, all my shit has been in boxes]about it because I don't deserve any of this stuff. I lie, I cheat, I fuck up. The end. That's all I do, and they are...well, rewarding it, it seems like. [time to kill]

I'm in love with Motion City Soundtrack. All three albums. The lyrics. [i wanna try to get better]
They're amazing.

I wish I had texting. Haha, isn't that selfish of me? There are people who don't have family [too tired to go to sleep], or who don't have homes or food or eyes or arms or legs or love or reasons to be or motives or thoughts and i'm complaining about not having texting on my phone.
But ya gotta admit, texting is way convienient these days [never is a lonely little messed-up world]

I feel helpless, for the most part.

God.osh. whatever.

[even if it kills me] I have my first therapy session tomarrow. I don't need a shrink. I don't need to talk because ohmygodicantsleeporeatorgoonanylongerbecauseimohsoscarredandterrified. See? There I go being selfish and rude, AGAIN. But I don't need it. I don't want it. All these people trying to help me get over something that I don't fucking want to get over.

I got a Chia pet that comes with one of the cute little plush chia toys that sing...I read the directions wrong and soaked the sing-y chia and am trying to grow things on it. My mother [calling all cops and autobots] thinks that it will start rotting soon. *bwaahahaha*.
Needless to say, it doesn't sing anymore.

Rawr.

It's amazing how moods change immediatly after holidays. No one wants to be pissed or bitchy during them, but the day after, you get a double dose (or triple. or quadruple. Or Dodecaple.) [I make the same mistakes]

I need to stop eating so much. Or at all.

My mother has turned into a full-blown insomniac.
I'm getting there.
Dad pretty much is the same.

Only 16 months left. I can't wait.

My damn ACTs haven't come yet. I WANNA KNOW HOW WONDERFUL I DID. Or, you know, pathetic.

[how you make it sparkle and glow]

I wish I could say it, but I can't. Can't do it. Whatever. Don't want to.
Yeah, I do.
Oh well.
[this time I mean it]

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HOLY SANTA CLAUS!!!!

Oh, yes, dearies. Merry Christmas to the world!!!
Mine was fantastic. Lots of food, lots of fun, lots of presents...
[this is for real]
I understand that presents arn't the reason for Christmas. Hell, even family and love isn't. Jesus is. Buuuuutttt, being a human who is living in a material world, I love gifts. And I must tally mine up for all to be envious of.

I got....
-A car. HOLY SHIT&CABOODLES!!!!!!!! (I don't even know what that's about. I've had about three pots of coffee. by myself. yeah.)
-Lime green headphones
-Stuff to go in the car: window washing fluid, snow scraper (I got kicked out of the garage in place of my dad's new car. Did I mention that I got my father's Saturn? He got a Dodge Stratus. <3),Even If It Kills Me
-clothes. Cute clothes, even.
-Pajamas. Even though they count as clothes.
-Makeup and lippy-goop
-Lots and lots and lots of jewlrey...some really expensive stuff, some vending-machine stuff. I love it all.
-Opals. Opals go on a diffrent level of jewlrey for me. I love them. They make my heart get big and greedy :)
-Perfume and other good-smellies.
-Dinero. Of course.
-Alan Alda's autobiographies. I owe my dad big for this. Alan Alda (who knew that isn't his name??) is my favorite actor of all time, and now one of my favorite authors. He's so funny and tragic and sad and perfect. I'll be sad when he dies.
-Awesome wrapping paper (odd, I know. But I love it. it's shiney.)
-another little piece to go with my amazing, obessive collection of Miniature Things.
-A giant pen
-other things, i'm sure, but can't remember.

Maybe my favorite thing this year was the look on my dad's face when he opened his Tonka Truck. :)
Or how happy my mom was when she got my aunt's gift to her.
Or maybe my nieces getting more presents. [calling all cops] They woke up at two this morning, according to my dear, tired sister. And they're entertaining tonight.

I (they) have court on the twenty-eighth.

My treadmil is exactly one year old. :)
Well, i guess not, because I'm not counting from the time it was made.
...
hmm...
I have had my treadmil exactly one year. And my iPod, which feels like an actual part of my anatomy.

I love life.

I hope everyone is safe and happy.
Happy Holidays!

Bad Hair.

Fuck.
World's worst haircut.
damn.

I am guffawing

I love funny blogs.
I wish I had one.
*sigh*

Maybe i'll take pictures tomorrow, no?
<3

I freaking want to wallow

[listen to my voice, it's my disguise]
So, I'm trying to be depressed about my life. Hell, i'm not even trying. All I want to fucking do is die, okay? (not really).
So, I come home and start bawling.
And turn on the TV.
There's a woman with half a body talking about how great her life is despite all her hardships, blah blah blah blah blah.
Fuck.

Why is it so hard for me to feel bad about myself? I start to rock at it, and then I get to feel [planes, trains, and cars] like shit because I feel like shit about my not shitty life!

Court on friday. He's pleading innocent. I can't go. I want to see him. I hate him. I don't hate him. I hate me. I hate them. I hate everything and everyone, everywhere.
Leslie is going on friday, too.
She's a sweetie.
I hope everything will just end. He'll plead innocent, the judge will think i'm a lying sneak and rule him not-guilty and the whole thing will be over.
Fuck, charge me for purgury. [cuz that's just who I am this week]
"there's so much detail, did you have to tell them all that?"
Well, hell, I didn't know.
I still don't know. [drop a heart]
I hate it.

I've got this sick feeling.
and zits.
god.

Sweat is icky

Yuck.
Big yuck.
I like exercising.
I hate sweat.

Sometimes I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and fat and be a walking pile of organs and clean white bones (well, they'd glow because I take teteracycaline but...)...
*sigh*
My fucked up eating habits and fucked up mind comes about this time of year. I associate winter with sitting out in the cold, smoking, hunger, and barfing. Fun, huh?
fuuuuccck.

I have, I have you breathing down my neck...

[I don't, don't know]
So, I did the ACT today.
No, not the 'act' as in sex, I'll do that monday :) (just kiddingish).
Nope, the ACT test. I'm fairly sure I'll get at least a 26. I did amazingly well (I know for sure) [this flood] on the grammar part of it...Maybe not-so-good on the [planets in a row] math part, but I'm sure I did fine.
And my grades almost rock. Not quite, though.
For some reason, YouTube is working almost constantly on my computer now. It makes me happy, since I'm too damn lazy to actually go and buy the CDs that I want.

So, Sara got fired today. It makes me sad. But I told her that she should tell me what she stole so we could fix it, but ooohh nooo, she has to lie.
So, there's one down, only 15ish to go.
I feel so bad for Andrew. No one likes him and he can't figure it out. Damn language barriers.

My second-youngest niece turned three today. She's a pain, but I love her much.

The snow outside looks like a winter fairy palace or something. Fucking sucks to drive on, but I do okay.
[sprawled across the bed, dreaming]

I went running to my mom last night screaming "I GOT A C ON MY AP TEST!!" and she was like 'kami, that's not good'...but she doesn't get it. A C is good! lol.

God, i like chase. I know, i'm repetative.

So, I'm going to call [sad and delicate] Rachel now. Bye
[our whole lives laid out]

Okay then.

I guess it works. :)

So I'm learning Existentialism On Prom Night by Straylight Run on the piano. I'm very frustrated.
[sing like you think no one's listening]
I can't get it right. I want it to be the melody and it's not. At all. It's the intro over and over again.
I have hiccups, goddammit.
I really like Cloud. It's stupid, and I know it. He's a freaky little boy, but I like him.
[millions of men with blank faces]

God. He's cute, too. Everyone says he's not, but that doesn't matter. The way he kissed me the other day was different than how he normally kisses...It's like...I dunno. He wrapped his hand on the back of my head, if that makes sense. I know it sounds stupid. Oh well.
And when he said [never ends, never ends] "girls over-analyze everything", it felt like rejection for some reason, even though we weren't even talking about us.
[give it up or you're gonna die]
I'm on a SR kick. <3 <3 <3

I'm freaked out about prom. Somehow I got dragged into decorating for it. Crazy, since I have no sense of line or symmetry. I can't even spell "symmetry". Grr.
Hey, this thing has a spell check. Hell yes.
I regress. So anyway, I have to find a date. And a floor show partner.
I'm thinking Nick for floor show and Chase for actual prom; the only problems are that I'd feel bad for ditching Nick and I'm scared Chase would say no...and even if he didn't, I'd be spending the whole night watching him flirt with other girls, then end up fucked in his car. Grr. Or he'd pass out. Either [slow down, this night's a perfect shade of...] way, I'm sure I'd end up feeling fat and cheap.
Speaking of fat, [boxing the stars] I finally got off my ass and ran! Woo!
And Jack's Mannequin.
My tonsils are swollen up huge. I made mom feel 'em. I want them out so I have an excuse not to eat-lol.
Fuuuck, i have to take the ACT tomorrow.
I'm gonna get at least a 28.
I hope.
I know.
I hope.
I don't know!!!!
[I swear to god that this mix could sink the sun]

Huh.

I really never figured I'd be doing this again. My last blog thing was totally stupid and I wish i'd never even set it up.
Lets see if this one'll work.
(but first, I must log off and do music.)