Aargh

Bleh, another month come and gone with only one blog post. and only two journal entries.
I need to start communicating with the "inner me"...you know, in me.

God, I have so much to do, and I finally have a minute to do it all, and do you know what my plans are for tonight? Study? No. Quizzes? No. Three hours of House, a frozen pizza, and two miles on the treadmil? Yes. Probably, it'll end up four hours of House, no pizza and no treadmil, but that's still okay with me.

I be tired.

Faretheewelltonight.

Confusion

So. The question. The secret of life. The major dilema.
Or what I'd ask the guy at the top of the mountain, whatever his name is...

WHERE IN THE HELL DO I GO TO COLLEGE???
HOW DOES ONE DECIDE THIS??????


F-Word. Big, big f-word.

I am an f-word-up.

And I'm faaaatttt, waaahhh, whatever.

Bittersweet Symphony

So, I'm scared shitless, and nothing in my life is going the way i want it to. i'm too damn young to do anything, and too old to act dumb. And I ate way too much this past week and Im fat and I have no water in my house and I need to take a fucking shower.
humph.
Court is on monday, and my best friends boyfriend is trying to kill me.
goddamnit.
and I think i'm falling in love.
Actually, I know I am...but with whom?? Thats my issue.

And I think i'm getting played. oh well. I can live.

Goodnight.

Long time, no post

Wow. I haven't blogged in a while. Could be cause I have no time. Also could be because I prefer actually writing in a journal....hmmm...

And when the water reached the west coast

[And took the powerlines, and it was me and you, and the whole town underwater...there was nothing we could do]

So, I was called "baby" today by someone I like very much.
But...I'm wondering...
His first language is not english and sometimes he says things out of context...
so.....Is "baby" synonomous with "I am hitting on you very bluntly", or "I am a total womanizer" or "I think you're very young and am making sure you know that"????
Because I would so enjoy it if it was the first one.
But alas, I'm sure it's the thrid. I know it's not the second.

But he's great, really. He's 23 and wants to be a teacher.
And I'm 16 (I think...yes.), insane, obesessive, want to take care of dying people, and I want him.

"I'm begging you to beg me"....lol, I'm so obsessive.

So, (god, I start out many everythings with "so"....I need to stop that. so. lol) my best friend got a job at my jobplace and already has a boyfriend. I've been there for freaking three years and still don't.
GRAWR.
Oh well. I'm happy for her, if not totally jealous. I had the hardest time spelling "jealous," but I think I got it.

Selling out monday, huh?

Today is my mothers birthday. She's still hurt.

I'm tired and really need to work out. Oh well.

Goodbye.

Whispers 'hello, I miss you, I miss you'

*sigh*

So, a new day at work.
huhn. I want a boyfriend. Preferably one who likes me.

I have a giant zit on my nose that looks like a small person plotting to take over my face.
and one on my forehead. They're working together. It's a conspiricy, I know. I'm certain.

Goddamnit

My feet hurt and I'm not pretty.
but I will be. Eventually.

Tomorrow will be good.

[I can't see what anyone can see in anyone else.....but you....]

So...

So, school is ending, I'm losing all of my entertainment. Dirks going. Chance is going. Sam and Sam are going. What the hell am I going to do???

Fudge.

I'm doing well. I'm losing weight still, but slowly. Cut my hair. Just sittin' out here, watching airplane...you know, the usual.
lol.

Anyway, I just thought I'd make sure my thousands of devoted readers (snort) knew I was still kickin'.

I really only write this to type. Typing is fun.

I'm learning arabic.
Woohoo.

Latazz

EFFING 28!!!!

I re-took my ACTs and improved three points. I mean, I was kind of happy with my 25, but a 28?!?! Other than having totally fucked up grades (they're really good right now, though.), UCLA would accept me! Whoo!
lol. I'm so happy. I beat all my friends. By a lot. A LOT.
Really sad when that's the highlight of my Prom day, but I'm so excited....
*sigh*
happy day.

Anyway, I'm going to hell after I go to prison. At least I'll be the smartest prisoner there.

Here's whats really cool...
I'm in the 92 percentile in the united states...That means I'm smarter (or a better test taker, at least) than 91 percent of the kids who take this test.
I'm going to take it one more time my senior year to see if I can break thirty, but I doubt it will happen...

(I'm in the very high 90%s on the english, sciences, and reading parts....
...
...
...
I'm in the 58% percent in math. I didn't improve one single point. I'm mathmaticlly retarded. :( )

English-32
Math-21
Reading-31
Science-26

Hahaha!!

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/customtime/index.html

Customize your time! Need an email sent 12 hours ago? We've got it covered.

---
Normally I hate April first, but this made my day okay from the start :)
...but it's 7.5 degrees outside and that's not funny. :(

Latahhz

The dream again.

So, like I said this morning, I had this dream.
It's kind of a constant dream, except it varies a little bit...I came to a realization today about it, but that will come after the explaination about the dream.
Oddly enough, it's always a blog. This time it was HIS blog, which is weird, considering I haven't dreamed about him for like, two weeks. (big accomplishment, there.)....Maybe it's wishful thinking, who knows...
Anyway, so the blog entry talks about his day and how it's the exact same as yesterday and the day before...one part was like "It seems all I ever do is wake up, get ready for work, work my shift, eat a meal, go to sleep, then start the thing over again..."...of course, there was other stuff in there, but I don't feel comfortable writing about it right now, just in case THEY are watching. Yes, I'm paranoid, but yes, there are THEYs around.
Anyway, the realization is, these dreams about blogs have been my life through other's voices. And yes, it is as boring and depressing as it sounds.

God, I want to be in love. I want someone to be in love with me. I want to find someone to fight with and to cuddle and to hit and to maybe want to spend their life with me. I don't want it now, and I know I have plenty of time blahblahblah, but it feels like if I don't change myself NOW, it will never happen...It's this insane urgency that I assume is springing from my summer...I mean, everything was so quick, and I really, really, really liked him and I am so sick of whining about it, but everything went by so FAST, and I feel like I missed out on a really good thing by speeding everything up. I'm not talking about the sex, I'm talking about everything else...I mean, I guess I feel like since I'm young now and someone liked that, if I'm not so young, they, or anyone else, won't like it. I'm almost afraid to get any older...I'm okay with the responsibilities of getting older--I can deal with that! It's just physically. I want to look a little older (maybe 19. Whoopie.), but that's it. I don't know. I feel like my life is flying by way too fast, yet way too slow. I can't explain it, but it all stems back to want and need.
I'm trying really hard to lose weight.
I dyed my hair a funny color.
I'm trying to get amazing grades.
I'm trying, and nothing is working. I feel non-existant.
Most of my angst is about HIM, I know, but I feel that if I'm going through all of this stuff to make his life a little better, the least I can get is much better than "i dont fucking care".....
God.

Wistful Dreams

God, sometimes I wish my dreams were real. Then, at least I'd know that I'm actually doing this for SOMETHING.
*sigh*
I'm nervous, but I know it's right. I'm nervous about hurting everyone else, but if they would have listened to me! It wasn't right to start with, but this is even less-right, so.....

Anyway, I have to get ready for school. Figure out something I can do with this fire-engine-red hair of mine...

Stuff I should be doing right now

1. Working on my Criminology paper. I'm drowning in that class, and I should really try and pull myself out. Bleh. Maybe not.
2. Typing up my Test Corrections. Am I going to tonight? Maybe. They're for my favorite teacher, so I want to suck up, but daaamn, I'm lazy.
3. Walking/jogging/running on the treadmil. I'm not. Why? Because I don't want to. Yes, it's healthy for me, but do I want to waste an hour of my precious sitting-on-my-butt-time? NO. Will I do it later? Probably not, but I can trick myself into thinking I will.
4. Cleaning my room. Ha, ha, ha.
5. Making up my advanced spanish work. I went from an A+ to a C...Will I do it? No. I hate the teacher and am using that as an excuse to not do the work.
6. Not eating carbs. Prom is in TEN DAYS and I have yet to stop sneaking little tastes of naughty things. God, no wonder I'm not losing weight. :(. Even worse, court is in, like, less than two months and am I hot yet? No. >:( RAWR.

*sigh*
What I AM doing, though, is obsessing over yahoo answers. God, I love it. I yell at people about politics, about grammar, about everything. It's perfect. I love it.
The only problem is that they have stupid Moderators. I had a post in the spanish translation section that said "mis zapatos son negros" (my shoes are black), and they blocked it because it was "racist". WHAT THE HELL??? So, I made a post ranting and raving about how the hell is NEGRO a bad word? IT'S THE PROPER TERM! Unless, of course, they wanted us to use "Negroid"...I look at my email a while later, and my thread had gotten deleted for using derogatory terms, and they included "negroid" in that list. Did they include "Mongol"? No. So, I sent an email back to the Service Section saying "why don't you just block every color name and make us use R:16, G: 17, B:22??
They haven't replied.
God, it pisses me off. If something as simple as saying "my shoe is black" is going to be considered unPC, I might have to leave. Go to canada where everyone speaks french and won't listen to me anyway.

On another note, today is the last day of spring break, but I only have to go to two and a half more days...The third quarter ends on friday! Only fourtysome days left until I can go to the now-agonizing hellhole that I used to love so much-Work. Full time.
No one is happy anymore. It's really sad. The new GM is retarded and doesn't have enough experience. He's changing things around (which is good), but pissing people off. He's literally trying to replace everyone who was there before him with his little cronies from his former job. I told my boss that if I get moved to Janitorial, I'd quit and go work at a diffrent truck stop. He agreed, but I don't think he remembers that the only other one has Mr.Phen working there...Tee-hee.
God, I'm obsessed.

Goodbye for now.

Case open, case shut

Okay, THIS is how I know I have an addictive personality and should not do any more coke than absolutely necessary (I don't do drugs, I swear to god.)...I decided to resuscitate my blog, and then about two seconds later, I decide to post again.

I was going through my other blogs (you know, the usual ones-Xanga, MySpace, Livejournal, Deadjournal, etc...) and the old posts on here...
Jesus, I sound fucked up. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm making it worse...I mean, bulimia sounds worse when you read it than when you're doing the barfing-no joke. When you're bent over the toilet, you don't think "oh jesus, i'm one fucked up little girl", you think "huh. I ate that third, i'm getting close". It's after.
But I've stopped barfing...It's been over a year now, but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. It's a constant in my head, almost like S...except that bulimia isn't going to go to jail for being in my throat...
Okay, that was crude.
I don't know if I've established this in writing yet, but I have a serious anger problem. My counseler in sixth grade made me take home an anger managment book-I threw it out the window, then threw a match on it. No joke. It's humorous now, but god damn, it was stupid. But I regress...I'll be sitting there all happy and stuff, then suddenly I'll feel chlosterphobic, hot, out of control, and like I swallowed hot, hot coffee. I'll blow up. I don't know what happens or why it happens, but it makes me even more pissed off-not to mention, it gets me in mucho trouble...I've tried talking about it, but I just sound like a whiney loser...Much like when I told my casemanager lady that I thought I was manic depressive. *sigh*

"for when she is good,
she is very, very good,
and when she is bad,
she is horrid"

My self-diagnosis

Hunh. This is odd.
I'm depressed.
"You're neurotic, you're depressed-it doesn't mean that you are sad..."
Bull shit, I'm fucking sad. I almost cried when I saw that we were out of milk so I couldn't put it in my coffee...
...
But then again, that could just be from lack of caffinneeee. However the eff you spell that.

So, back to depression. I really think I am. I think I have finally cynicized (i think I might have just made up a word) and pessified (gasp! another!) myself into honest-to-god depression. And I don't think that I'm Ziggy or anything, because I do laugh and smile, it's just not...easy...anymore.

What kicked me in the ass and suggested that I share this (not-so) new idea with the world? Ultimate Blogs-masterworks from the wild web.
Yes. A book.
I suddenly had the urge to have the entire world read my every though! I mean, after talking (and coffee and dogs and rain and cancersticks), reading is my favorite thing to do! I could be published in a book! For essentially talking to myself!! Imagine the possibilities...
There are many problems with that.
Assuming that I was eloquent, which I am not, once one gets an audience of readers, they stop writing for themselves-they lose their personalities to form a new one in which they think people will like, judging by the amount of comments on the last X amount of entries...
Not to mention, I'm, like, ten, and who really wants to read about a little kid's life? Not me, that's for damn sure.
You know, as I was reading this awesome anthology (look it up on google, I'm too lazy and tired to ohmygodputinalink. so deal.), I realized that as much as I think I have a fair vocabulary, or that I can, you know, type correctly and with proper grammar, I really don't. I mean, for this tiny little town, yes, but I def. don't rank up there in the top billion in the world...
and i'm too fucking lazy to hit the spellcheck.
Oh well. Maybe someone will find this one day and think, "the crap attitude plus the crap writing is rather charming. Maybe I should mention this to one of my rich writer friends...Hmm, she also seems to like to sing...Maybe if she's such a shit writer, she'll be an even shittier singer! I can talk to my producer pal and we can make a fat, white, english version of william hung! We'll be rich(er than we are already)"
...
Or not.

This really Ps me O. [haha, censorship](stick it to the man)

I CAN'T GET TO SCHOOL.
There's no effing way, there's like twenty feet of snow piled up in my driveway. I can't even get on the bus without literally climbing mountains.
Like i'd ride the bus anyway.
But still.
It's that fucking snowy outside and there's STILL SCHOOL.

But I have this hope that I'll get out of my shower to broadcasts of people saying "school is canceled all over the states of WY, CO, UT, MT, blahbalbhlabhT.

lol.

Today is the first day this school week where I have been up before seven AtotheM.
Bleh.
And I have to wake up at four tomarrow so I can leave my house at five tomarrow to get to someplace that normally takes fifteen goddamned mintues to get to to arrive by 5:50. lol.
Did that make sense?
Translation: I do NOT want to go to work tomarrow.
Oh wellll. It'll be okay. Maybe I'll get stuck. Have to deal with nice/hot/beautiful/amazing/perfect/funny turkish boy thats name could start with an I. or maybe and e. Some sort of vowel, I think. The fish boy. (haha, eels. no one gets it. :( )

I'm fighting the battle for who could care less?

So today pretty much sucked. Slept through my damn alarm[I got your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back], drove on icy damn roads, fucked when I swore I wouldn't, failed chemistry and life, drove home on icy roads with flat tires, fixed my flat tires, went back home, sat on my ass, blogged.
[It's true romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then in the head]
Woohoo, I have an amazing life.
[I'm casually obsessed and I've forgiven death,
I am indifferent, yet (I am a total wreck)
I'm every cliche, but I simply do it best.]

wow, long music pause, there.

[I went to sleep a poet, and I woke up a fraud,
To calm your nerves I'm feeling for my clothes in the dark.
Which came first, the music or the misery?]

Jesus, I'm cold.

If it snows next weekend, the first fucking idiot to ask me when the goddamned snow is going to end is going to die. Do I LOOK like god to you?? Do you seriously think that I, a puny, young cashier, controls both the weather and the roads, and the fuckers driving on it? NO! I'm just as stuck as you are, so stop your fucking bitching.
Rawr.

I get pissed easily when it's this frio.
haha, espanol.
wow.

I only need 8 more credits to graduate. I'll get 4.5 this semester, then I only have to show up less than one day every other day, and I'll be good.
Shweet.

I'm taking spanish 1020, Nutrition, and Criminology this semester. Fuck yeah.

Antonia

My song-of-the-day is posted at the bottom. I love it. It's sweet.
I'm terrified for the day [indiana jones] when my father dies. Even thinking about it gives me a near panic attack, or at least some of the symptoms.
Speaking of PAs, I'm starting to get them on a regular basis. I had to pull over today because I was freaking out so bad. But it's not like they're brought on by nothing, they always have a trigger like bad roads or adrenaline...
But I shouldn't feel that freaked out. And I hate my heart beating funny and my eyes going nuts.
Oh well.
[notch in your bedpost]
So, I caught my father listening to my iTunes the other day. He admitted that my music is good. I was happy. It was cool. Noun verb adjective.

I hate travelers.[poptarts and sex] The roads closed today and I had to deal with them all fucking eight hours.
but.
I am the
QUEEN
or customer service.

I deserve a raise :)

Imma kill Ike, though.


She makes a lot of abstract art
She haggles for the cheapest price
She never orders take out food before ten o'clock at night
She really into snowmobiles
She owns a lot of nice flashlights
She cares for all the stupid cats that never found their way home
She shaves her legs with Ginsu knives
She quotes a lot of Annie Hall
She misplaced her virginity back in 1995
She's what's keeping me alive
She the pizza of my eye
Without her near me I would not survive

It gets cold when she's not around
I float until I sink and am swallowed up
It's so cold when she's not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine

She's always eating Captain Crunch
She sings a lot of Ben Folds Five
She's scared to death of cobra snakes
Just like Indiana Jones
She tells the dumbest knock-knock jokes
She drinks a lot of Chardonnay
She hates the way I comb my hair
But she married me last June
She was the bride I was the groom
I cried a lot and then we spooned
Without her in my life I would be doomed

It gets cold when she's not around
I float until I sink and am swallowed up
It's so cold when she's not around
I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine
Tell me I'll be fine

She loves the smell of Christmas trees
She sneezes when she sees bright lights
She fainted on the kitchen floor
When her father passed away
Our baby girl is due this may
And when the little lady grows up
I hope that she will be just like her mother

I suck at life.

So, I've managed to piss off almost everyone in my life, with the exception of Brana.
How?
I don't know.
Actually, I do know. It's a series of backstabbing bitchiness in which I AM NOT THE ONLY GUILTY PARTY.
Becky bitches about cherish, I bitch back. Cherish bitches about becky. I sometimes bitch back. Becky bitches about candace. I look at her and someitmes agree.
Becky tells cherish I bitch about her and doesn't mention that she's the one saying most of it! So cherish tells becky that I also bitch about her.
Whoopdi doo.

This sick friendship I have going on with becky is quite abusive to me. (prolly her, too.)
First of all, she hates me. Yeah, then why do we hang out?? I dunno. I like her, but its also because I'm a very needy person and have to be with someone basicly all of the time or else I go crazy ("I get lost, messed up and bored when i'm alone too long. I can't sleep, function or eat when I'm not with someone") and we've been doing this thing forever.
Grr. And she's fun to bitch with.
But it fucking hurts my feelings when shes being...well, for lack of a better vocabulary, mean and I can't stand it. The only one I really bitch that much about it cherish. And I like cherish. when shes being Cherish, that is.

God, I send myself into exile all too often.
[the panic begins...I suffocate until the end]
High School sucks.

You can't get drunk off of pucker. easily.
and i'm still thinking about how I hit travis.
And god i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me.

I'm a fucking skank, a bitch, a liar, a backstabber, fat, worthless, rude, mean, off-kilter...

god.

[it had to be you, I knew it was you]

All dressed up with some medicine for luck...

So I ran over someone today.
He's got hairline fractures in his elbow.
I feel awful.
He says he's okay, though. Imma give him money. Or something. I dunno.

Fuck.

The parents will never know.

Too tired to play pretend...

Last Night
-Motion City Soundtrack

I'm still frustrated from last night
Things happened at half-time, I'm sick of the bends
My panic research was no help
I sink into myself
Afraid of the fall that never ends
I wait, but I'm too tired to play pretend
I suffocate until the end

No time for halfhearted goodbyes,
I turn on the spotlight and flee from the scene
Cheap flights from Paris to Bangkok, I thought it was nonstop
Can't sleep on the KLM again
I haunt the halls of medicine at night
Choking back the urge to fight

Her cat was clawing the floorboards just outside of our door,
The panic begins
I searched the whole damn apartment from ceiling to carpet
No sign of the things she used to own
As autumn turns its back on me again
I climb the walls for oxygen

My body aches, it heaves, it shakes
All summer sounds so caught up
And I still don't know exactly who I am
I never will, amen.

She whispers something in my ear, the message is unclear
She motions outside.
I trail her closely from behind
She tries hard not to cry
She shakes underneath the pouring rain

I can't compete with all your damn ideas
This isn't working out for you and me
The truth is I'm too tired to play pretend

This is goodbye, this is the end.