Well...I still keep secrets

So, everyone in the whole world has started blogging, which, of course, amped up my desire to blog. Except I really don't want people I know reading about my life, but hey, it might happen on accident someday.

So, this is what's new with me.

I am almost six months pregnant with a baby girl. Ty and I are still together...kind of. I live in one place and he lives in the other, but I have to have my stuff out of my trailer by the first of the year. I would really, really, really love to go live with Tyson and share our little baby girl and love each other and be a family, but the drugs hinder it. I love him with everything I have, but every time he snorts a pill, I find that love going down. I wish he would have picked me in the ultimatum. And now I have to decide if I'm going to be content being second place in his eyes for the rest of my life. I also have to worry about our daughter. I know he wouldn't ever hurt her, but I'm afraid he'll get caught and she'll be taken away.
The other option is move in with my parents. And i love them and appreciate them, but idontwannaidontwannaidontwanna. But it might be the best option for me to get my shit together.

I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a job.

So...

So, less than a month since the last post and...

-I now have my pizza hut job
-I now have my home health job
-I now have a cashiering job
-Tyson now has a pizza job
-Becky's baby boy died =(
-Becky's little sister got herself knocked up
-Xavier moved out

and I still haven't dusted. Ack.

Back again.

Hey there, sunshines.

It's been almost two years since I last posted, and honestly, I haven't really changed that much. I'm now nineteen, living with my boyfriend (his name is tyson,) two dogs (Mishka; a pit/lab mix, and Borris; a blue heeler/german shepherd mix,) and a boy named Xavier. We're pretty broke, because none of us had jobs for about two months there, but things should be getting better...Tyson just got a job at Micky D's, and I have a home health client and a job at Pizza Hut.

While I haven't changed a whole bunch (I'm much more mellow now, but thats about it. Oh, I stopped dying my hair bright red.) the world around me sure has. My best friend in the whole wide world went on a mission-he'll be back in December of this year- and I guess we floated apart because I don't receive letters, and neither does he. My other best friend in the whole wide world got married and had a little boy! Everyone else in my class has either gotten married or has had kids. It's very weird. I keep saying this, and I think Tyson thinks i'm pressing, but I'm really just astonished. I was always told to wait until at least my mid twenties to make any commitments like that...I guess no one else got the memo, or I missed the one that said "ALRIGHT KIDS, it's time to start procreating!" Although, Tyson did ask me to marry him and bought me this gorgeous ring, so I guess I'm just as trendy as everyone else. I dropped out of school due to too much alcohol and not enough money, but I'm going back this fall to start (and finish!!) my nursing degree(s). I got really sick in December of 2009, and almost died, and now i've got a sort of newfound view on life. I also have an insane amount of medical bills, but it's all good. I bought a car!! (it's a Nissan X-terra. A mommy car. Hmm.) The thing that's really weird to me about growing up (in my life, and many other's, i assume) is that before and during college, I planned out how much I was going to eat, what I was going to eat, schemed to get out of eating, etc. Now I wake up and wonder if I'm going to be able to eat today. I scheme to get people to give me food. Tyson and I both LOVE cooking, but since we're broke shit, sometimes (a lot) there is no food. I went to my mom's house after I got my tax return, but before I bought groceries, and got lectured on the importance of eating healthy and whatnot, and since apparently being hungry makes me moody, I ended up yelling and crying at my father, "DAD! All I have to fucking eat is fucking peanut butter, and it has fucking protien, carbs, fat, and vitamins, so get off my ass!"...and proceeded to shovel food in my mouth. And I can't tell you what we had. I don't keep constant track of what I eat anymore. It's not written down in any notebooks (unless it's a particularly bad day in the life of me) and I don't puke (unless it's a really really bad day in the life of me. Except, there was a week there where everything made me violently ill. Stomach flu or something.)

I live in a different town now, too. I don't know that many people here, just ty's family and my friend Kay's family, and honestly, I'm okay with it. I don't drink much anymore, I don't smoke weed much anymore. I'm fairly healthy, if a little malnourished.

Anywho, I've been thinking about it, and I guess it's that time in my life again where I need a place to journal my thoughts and whatnot, a place to rant, a place to express feelings that I don't really want anyone in my direct life knowing about at that moment. And it's okay if I don't have readers, and it's okay if I don't have commenters, although both would be nice =)

ciao for now.

kathryn.

rawrrrrr

I've got emotion dripping from my pores and I though I should let you knowwwwww

I really like music.


So I spent a bunch of money the other day. First things i've bought FOR ME in a long time. They include retarded shirts, retarded braceletes, really cool shoes, and an iPod touch. They all make me very happy. <3

Gotta go to work today. Not happy about it but whatever. I gotta job, thats all that matters.

I'm tired.


We've had about five hours of sun in the past two weeks. And I've tried to soak in every last minute of it :)


Breaking up sucks if youre the dumpee.


I like lemon frosting.


And everyone should go one day without electricity.

I can see that you're uneasy and it's not gonna change.

Bipolar post of the year :)


THINGS I'VE BEEN DYING TO BITCH ABOUT
-I'm so, so sick of rain. I normally love rain, okay? it gives me nice warm tingles and makes my eyes open wide and makes me BREATHE. Buuut, come one, this is just too much. It's rained the entire day for over a week. and the weatherpeople say that it's gonna stay like this for another week. I'm drowning.
-I hate my job. I hate waiting tables. It hurts my feet and my knees and my hips and everything in between.
-My cook(s) wont talk to me because I think that its bullshit that they work at least eight hours a week off the clock.
-I sleep over ten hours a day. Not on purpose. It's killing me.
-The FExBoy plays hot and cold and it drives me nuts
-My hair is stupid
-My dog continually pokes me with his nose and if i ignore him, he barks.
-I'm just about sick of music.
-It has been so long since I've watched the news or read the paper that I have no idea if we still have the same president, if we're still called the united states of america, or anything. Argh.


THINGS THAT MAKE MY HEART KEEP BEATING
-When I come home at three AM, the porch light is always on. It lets me know they love me. Brings a new meaning to the "we'll leave the light on for you" commercial.
-My dog loves me. lol. He only wants attention. I lovers him.
-I have a job. Which is more than I can say for a lot of the population. I shouldn't bitch.
-I have hair, which is more than I can say for a lot of the population. I shouldn't bitch.
-I have the option of watching the news, which is more than I can say for China. I shoudln't bitch.
-Its raining enough that I might be able to shower this summer. lol.


laterrr

Tonight, we lie awake...remember how the coffee made us shake?

This is the third day in a row that I have gone to sleep after three AM. First day I slept til two. Second, until twelve thirty. today? Eight. Arrgh.
This schedule that my jobplace has me on has put me on the fritz :) I work nights tomorrow, mornings the next day, then nights again.
oh well.
i love it, in a way.

I'm also on day three of the d-word. I'm not doing too hot. I work really well on low-carbs, and I lose fast and lots on low-carbs. This damn idea of eating healthily and drinking shakes for over 2/3 of my caloric intake is just not working for me. But whatever, i'll do it with mom if thats what she so desires.
...
I guess I could make it a low-cal, low-fat, low-carb thing, but last time I checked, that counted as a disease. Don't wanna be called an ex-bulimic, current ana-wanna-be, now do we? no, not at all.

I haven't done crap today. Enjoyed the sun for a while. Talked to my dad for the first time in a week. Drove around pointlessly...

Know what I need to do? I need to go to the library. Or read the entire HP series again... :)

Adios

Clean dog.

I have a very wet and very pissed dog.
But he's a very clean dog and doesn't smell like anything other than...well...dog, and that is going to allow me to cuddle him more. Which really means that verypissedandwet dog should actually be grateful. lol.
And in about four hours, after I leave for work, im going to have a very pissed mother because our bathroom is dog-smelly. Oh well. The fact that I'm the one who pissed the dog off means that he's going to want to cuddle HER and he won't smell bad, so really, reallypissed mother should be grateful. lol again.

I wear my mother's father's wedding ring. Why? No idea. I didn't know him. In fact, he commited suicide before I was born, i think. From what i've heard, he wasn't the best dad in the world. And yet I never take it off.

I lost an earing the other day. I'm sad. Gorgeous earings.

fucksalt.

I need lotion.


Today is one of those days that its absolutly freezing, but when the sun comes out for the five seconds every hour, its hot enough to melt away every mental issue ever :)

hmm.