The dream again.

So, like I said this morning, I had this dream.
It's kind of a constant dream, except it varies a little bit...I came to a realization today about it, but that will come after the explaination about the dream.
Oddly enough, it's always a blog. This time it was HIS blog, which is weird, considering I haven't dreamed about him for like, two weeks. (big accomplishment, there.)....Maybe it's wishful thinking, who knows...
Anyway, so the blog entry talks about his day and how it's the exact same as yesterday and the day before...one part was like "It seems all I ever do is wake up, get ready for work, work my shift, eat a meal, go to sleep, then start the thing over again..."...of course, there was other stuff in there, but I don't feel comfortable writing about it right now, just in case THEY are watching. Yes, I'm paranoid, but yes, there are THEYs around.
Anyway, the realization is, these dreams about blogs have been my life through other's voices. And yes, it is as boring and depressing as it sounds.

God, I want to be in love. I want someone to be in love with me. I want to find someone to fight with and to cuddle and to hit and to maybe want to spend their life with me. I don't want it now, and I know I have plenty of time blahblahblah, but it feels like if I don't change myself NOW, it will never happen...It's this insane urgency that I assume is springing from my summer...I mean, everything was so quick, and I really, really, really liked him and I am so sick of whining about it, but everything went by so FAST, and I feel like I missed out on a really good thing by speeding everything up. I'm not talking about the sex, I'm talking about everything else...I mean, I guess I feel like since I'm young now and someone liked that, if I'm not so young, they, or anyone else, won't like it. I'm almost afraid to get any older...I'm okay with the responsibilities of getting older--I can deal with that! It's just physically. I want to look a little older (maybe 19. Whoopie.), but that's it. I don't know. I feel like my life is flying by way too fast, yet way too slow. I can't explain it, but it all stems back to want and need.
I'm trying really hard to lose weight.
I dyed my hair a funny color.
I'm trying to get amazing grades.
I'm trying, and nothing is working. I feel non-existant.
Most of my angst is about HIM, I know, but I feel that if I'm going through all of this stuff to make his life a little better, the least I can get is much better than "i dont fucking care".....
God.